The Identity We Create…and Struggle to Shed

I began third grade at a new school. I remember crying that first day when the bell rang because I had no idea where I was supposed to go.

When I got to the classroom, the first person to greet me was the kid who sat right behind me: Jerry Shapiro. We became good friends. Later that year, Jerry decided he would nickname himself “The Pro.” Jerry was a sports fan. I was not. Nor was I very good at sports. I thought it would be clever to call myself “The UnPro.”

Back then, 7-Up was advertising itself as the UnCola. I borrowed the idea.

Jerry was declaring something about himself, and I wanted to as well. I already knew myself as someone who wasn’t athletic. Unknowingly, I named it and claimed it.

Looking back, I recognize a young boy finding his place, establishing his identity. I also see something to explore: how a way of presenting ourselves becomes who we believe we are. And vice versa. Who we believe we are influences, and often determines, how we show up.

We become the dependable one. The expert. The person who keeps the peace. These identities often grow out of real strengths. They earn us trust, responsibility, and a place among people who matter to us.

Then something changes. A relationship sours. Our work asks more of us. We sense a possibility we could pursue.

And we hear ourselves say, “That’s just not me.”

Sometimes that’s an honest expression of what matters to us. Other times, it’s an old fragment of our identity protecting its place.

For a leader, this can be hard to see. Being the person with the answers may have contributed to your success. Now your team needs room to discover answers themselves. You understand the value of stepping back, yet doing so feels uncomfortable. Who are you if you’re no longer the one who knows?

That question deserves some attention.

There may be pride to loosen, uncertainty to face, and familiar ways of earning approval to reconsider. I don’t think we should underestimate what that asks of us.

But we can begin with one action our familiar identity would usually rule out: ask for assistance, acknowledge uncertainty, let someone else lead.

Then notice what happens.

Who we’ve been deserves appreciation. Who we can become deserves a chance.

If you’re noticing that who you’ve been is limiting what you’re ready for next, I’m here to explore that with you.